| Brentonius Maximus of the Feline Ninja Clan's Journal |
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Brentonius Maximus of the Feline Ninja Clan
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| Sometimes Adrian is an Avatar |
[08 Oct 2008|04:59am] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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So, I had this little creature crawl onto my shoulder and whisper in my ear. I'm not sure what it means but, hey, who cares?
Ladies and Gentlemen,
While I understand with all due sympathy that my job is not a pleasant one, that my role not one to be paraded before children brimming with unchallenged dreams, I would ask that you take the time to hear me out.
There are monsters. We all know this. This truth lives in our hearts. The knowledge is seated there and grows because it, more so than any other organ, bears witness to the dark creatures thrashing and howling into life. Our hearts know these monsters because they grow beside it, leeching and nestling like a parasite, feeding off of the hope dripping from the inconsiderate heart's dreams. The heart is not wise or judicious. It is folly and happenstance. It leads us equally toward love and pain unending. IT does not care about you. IT exists as any non-sentient beast would, prowling about and feeding on whatever dreams it can inspire with its misleading promises.
And there the darkness grows. Here, I would argue, is the truest monster. Your love is the grandest fiend, capable of rending your very being apart bit by delicious bit. And you, mortal, are too weak to cease its juggernaut like gallop through your sanity. It leaves you quaking and weeping, begging for a solace that it will not, cannot give you for this solace would require reason and reason would be its undoing.
There was a time not so very long ago that I would have argued for, and often did kill for, a person's freedom of this creature. I found it most appropriate to crush the life from the object your sickened parasite had chosen to utilize for its cancerous growth. But then something changed. I saw that, while diseased and parasitic, this affection was perhaps advantageous. The drive it inspired routinely began with an increased sort of self knowledge and an increased metaphysical understanding. It inevitably failed, struck impotent by its own selfish need. And it occurred to me that perhaps there would be a way to cease the dance of its maddened desire, to allow this energy to expand like a birthing universe rather than a creeping infection.
Yes, the pulsing, writhing energies of lust and need and suicidal devotion appeal to me. But it seems I have a job. I prune now, a careful gardener in a cannibal garden populated by infinity deadly and impossibly beautiful blooms. Each could kill with the slightest kiss. This danger allows me to find a niche here. This quiet murderous dance between us allows me to do the lethal good I have always done. But perhaps the lesson may be easier for you now. Maybe you will find some equilibrium between love and madness. I will not because the impossible garden is my home.
With that I ask that you forgive me for what I must do. It is a sad knowledge that I know what is best for you, even if you are too afraid to admit it.
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| Karmic Rage |
[01 Oct 2008|02:58am] |
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mood |
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 thankful |
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It is the thought "Why is all this happening to me?" that is probably responsible for some of my recent woes. Being more interesting than the average boy is no excuse to make excuses for your moral improprieties. As Nancy Botwin said, "I told myself I wasn't hurting anyone. I made excuses. But I was. And now I see everything as black and white, right or wrong." Not an exact quote but she wasn't in the bathtub and the sentiment is really the same.
And so now I'm sitting here on the barely working computer that my dear friend Kyle walked me through taking apart and putting back together over the phone. And I thank the powers that be for someone who gave me their bit of dross and someone who didn't mind spending an hour with a technological tard walking them through non-invasive techno-surgery.
For those of you who haven't heard. Scooby (my car) died. My identity was stolen. Mysterious bills came out of the blue. Work decided to levy some increased requirements on my probation. A nurse effectively killed someone and laid the blame at my feet. My computer died. My printer died. The water lines under my apartment ruptured, injuring the power lines under the complex. This led to (and still does) occasional brown water in my shower and the power going out every few hours.
Looking back, the karmic lesson is obvious. Gratitude. Thank God that I have people who will help me through the minor shit that life throws me. Thank God I have never been seriously ill. Thank God that (in all reality) my life is a cake walk. So, with that in mind I'll stop telling God to bring it or conversely begging him to stop. Instead, thank you.
This message brought to you by:
G.W.F.
P.S.- Fall is beautiful. I forgot that everything around you struggling not to die can make you feel so much more alive.
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| Conversation tid-bit |
[12 Sep 2008|02:34pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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"Me, kind? No. That's a bit of an overstatement. I shoot for 'initially benevolent'."
Yup, that's the sound of humanity loss.
Squee, on another note, though, my karma seems to be switching.
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| Ride? |
[04 Sep 2008|12:41am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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Maybe if I ask a little earlier I'll have more luck.
I seek a ride to work tomorrow (today technically) at 3 pm. I'm absolutely broke so I can't offer gas money but I'm told I have a winning personality. I live on the North side by Denny's and work is a mere 3 minutes away at the Hospital.
Mreow, help?
B-
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| Sigh. |
[02 Sep 2008|01:48pm] |
I don't suppose anyone's just waiting around wishing to themselves...
"I really wish I could take Brenton to work today. It would really enrich my life."
No...
Huh...
Didn't think so.
Need to figure out how to get Scooby moving again.
B-
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| Seriously? |
[29 Aug 2008|03:41pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
] |
Wow, wow, wow.
God is pissed.
So... dead car. That sucks but I have lovely friends willing to cart me around.
Old landlords asked me to bring my keys in the morning after the move out and everything would be fine. Memo missed. So, they're charging me the new lock fee.
And... went to get gas for the car I was borrowing... and my card was denied. Came home to check my transactions online. Someone charged $600 to my account in Nebraska and overdrew it. Looks like that charge can get fixed but I still have to deal with the overdraft for gas and that tanks out the rest of my account so the new card I'm getting will have a balance measured in cents.
Crying now.
So... whoever is casting dark voodoo my way, I give up. You win, please just stop.
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| Well huh? |
[23 Aug 2008|03:44am] |
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mood |
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crushed |
] |
Growl...
So this is how things go. I get all super motivated to clean up my new place, get it looking really presentable. It occurs to me that Mark would be fond of the Legos which I was obsessed with for ten seconds(Gemini here)and are now cluttering up my house. So I call up Jesse and drop them off at the hospital (which I has left 2 hours earlier).
And Scooby is dead. For those of you not "in the know", this is my car. I tried jumping it with the help of my dear friends Matt and Lora. I changed the battery. It won't even turn over. Possibly a starter issue? I don't know. Either way, I've been cutting it tre' close on the money as of late. This month I was late and last month I had to borrow money to it. I have seriously underestimated the cost of living by one self. And now I find myself with a car that won't start and I can't even afford to have it towed. Sigh.
Summon car ninja. *fail* Unfortunately, Scooby was my Bentley and apparently the will I was exerting to keep him alive ran out. I imagine it would be ethically bankrupt to sell myself for an evening to a group of men looking for a rather in shape hospital boy. Being a tid bit on the manic side, this is actually the sort of thing I'm looking at as a happy ending. So before I begin selling my epic sexual prowess *wink* I should ask.
Anyone happen to be a car ninja in disguise and bored tomorrow or Sunday and feeling inclined to poke my car?
Alright, I'm off to cry... and sleep... maybe at the same time.
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| Well yes, I suppose I should |
[15 Aug 2008|03:54am] |
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mood |
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 mischievous |
] |
I was carded today. Yes, I'm still smoking... but try to ignore that.
The important part is that my occasionally raging narcissism was fed today when I was given the following advice.
"I would have believed 18 but 26 is pushing it. This is good but I'd get another one."
He gave me my cigarettes anyway. I don't actually think I can still pass for eighteen but one person thinking so delighted me.
Cat
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| Neat |
[11 Jul 2008|04:06pm] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
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Such a productive day.
I went to the BMV to get all that good legal driving stuff today. In preparing (today)I learned that I needed a new insurance policy as my old one was tainted by certain ex-boyfriends who have bad records. So, new insurance policy. Done. Then I realized (this was several days ago)that my driver's license was expired.
When I went to grab the title, I found it sitting in a gelatinous ooze at the bottom of my between seat storage. Fucko.
Long story short (after much ranging and pleading) I have a new Title, a new driver's license, new plates and a full tank of gas. Go me!
In more fun news, I now own this...
http://www.elmersaquarium.com/h109_70corner.htm
And in better news... it did not cost me 1312.01. Fancy and I did some magic/presence/luck wooge that involved several virgin sacrifices and I wound up paying $500 on store credit and it's coming pre setup with ready to go ecological filter (if you're not a fish person, just imagine saving weeks of time and frustration trying to play alchemist/chemist balancing chemicals that smell like rotten eggs and burn your hands). And there's already a coral base growing at the bottom. I am squeeing.
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| I should be... |
[02 Jul 2008|11:42am] |
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mood |
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 amused |
] |
I should be sleeping. But I just realized the funniest thing in the world. Her most conservative Christian sensibilities aside, my little sister is an accidental fag hag. Woops. I was looking through her pictures and every boy in them struck me as the kind that would shriek and faint if Madonna walked into the room. Okay, maybe that's a bit dated. Gwen Stefani, they would shriek and faint if Gwen Stefani walked into the room. Regardless, homo-tastic. I am amused. I must have embedded gay programming deep within her and now she seeks out every closeted boy at church camp to hang out with. I know this story, it doesn't end well for her heart. Sigh.
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| so hawt |
[27 Jun 2008|02:18pm] |
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SO THE ENVY2 IS SO HAWT. GRANTED I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO TURN OFF CAPS BUT I'M PRETTY EXCITED SO IT'S OKAY THAT IT LOOKS LIKE I'M YELLING. SQUEE
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| User Pic |
[24 Jun 2008|07:25am] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
So, I was looking at my userpic and it occurred to me that I kind of look (because it is a bit of an avatar) really pissed. It has that whole, "Yes, I AM going to eat you. No, seriously, stop crying, it's not going to help your case. The only difference it makes is turning you from delicious prey into annoying delicious prey."
So, with that in mind, any suggestions. Because, while I love it, I'm not trying to give off the "move and I pounce" vibe.
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[21 Jun 2008|09:30am] |
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mood |
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optimistic |
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So, this started as my goodbye to myspace post but I decided to put it here, too.
Life has been crazy. I move in 3 weeks. There's been ex's new "not-really-my-boyfriend" drama. Some of which I wound up being both "accidental voyeur" and "pseudo dirty mistress" in. Neither of these roles was I particularly proud of. I'm getting a promotion that got kicked back yet again by my new unit's opening being moved from July 6th to Aug 4th. I knew this would happen but I'm still a hair annoyed. My revenge... taking 3 weeks off. And getting paid for it by using those massive amounts of paid time off I never get to use.
To quote the lovely Miss Katie Perry. I kissed a boy and I liked it. Okay, so she didn't say that at all but I like the damn song even if it couldn't be less apropos. It's been years since I kissed anyone but Jay (with a few blackout drunk exceptions) and it was a bit surreal but lovely. I'm officially deciding to just go. This summer is going to be good. It's gonna be scary. I've never lived by myself but I'm 90% certain it will be good. The other 10% is mind numbingly terrified.
I'm doing a bit of introspection and realizing that I thrive on cleaning up other people's messes. They make mine look smaller. I came home the other day two three drunken, half naked boys dancing about in my living room. This was fine but over the next 24 hours, there was drama aplenty. And while I can pretend to be frustrated, it was really very comforting. I got to forget about myself for a minute. It's nice having a hot mess to judge against your relative order.
The working out has not stopped. The mania that had it going like crazy has subsided but I find myself not ducking from the mirror as I jump into the shower and it's a nice feeling, so I'm trying to maintain it. My arm's are getting some definition despite being kinda spindly by nature and my torso, while kinda blocky despite my dreams of heroin-chic is getting almost taught. 26 pounds lighter. 3 months ago 204 lbs. Today I weighed myself. 178. This wouldn't be so impressive if most of my working out wasn't adding muscle, which they tell me weighs more than fat. I have pecs. They're little but kinda awesome. What does all of this boil down to? I laid down by the pool stone cold sober and tanned and did not have a panic attack. That's major for me. Score one for the good guys.
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| Levity |
[19 Jun 2008|01:13am] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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I am in the strangest mood. More than that. I'm in the strangest place. I feel like a character who's fallen out of a fairytale and is now walking around posing as a normal person. And if the music stops playing my glamour will drop and the first time someone figures out what I am I'll burst apart like frozen glass. Seriously. II don't just feel that way, when I'm not careful I believe it.
Despite the excitement/fear that I might be going a little crazy, I recognize that the biggest danger here is that I can commit no wrong. Characters can't commit sins. We are beyond such things, set inherently to play our beautiful part, irrelevant of things like wisdom or morality.
Le sigh. Should I staple my hand to my forehead or would someone else like to do it for me? It's really now that strange, just a little surreal. I'm definitely being escapist. Sometimes that's just how I roll.
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| Angels |
[07 Jun 2008|05:29am] |
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mood |
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 horny |
] |
Sometimes even angels make mistakes. I think I am entitled to do no better. Thank you for the storm. It was a lovely present. The rehab clinic I landed in directly out of the hospital sent me a refund today. Today, of all days, the day I began my descent exactly one year ago. No, I'm not going to relapse... part of me just wants to. Let's be honest about these things.
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| Love |
[04 Jun 2008|06:13pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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I am determined to do something scandalous for my birthday. Maybe it could be you. ; )
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| Interesting Homecoming |
[02 Jun 2008|09:06am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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So, I come home to find Jay passed out on the couch. I wonder calmly into his room to grab The Golden Compass, cause that's where we were watching it. And I kinda stumbled over a guy sleeping in his bed. Awkward. Luckily, this gentleman seems to be dead to the world. As I mill about getting ready to go to bed I find random things tossed about and broken and a rather empty bottle of vodka.
So now I'm hanging out in my room ready to go to sleep, hoping to avoid the potentially rather awkward awakening of these boys.
Life by myself is going to be so boring. Mmm, boring.
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| Alright |
[31 May 2008|09:53am] |
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mood |
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 touched |
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Give me Demon Larp mechanics now. Or I will end you.
This includes, if they are available on-line for money. I am desparate. And I have claws.
That is all.
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| Because |
[30 May 2008|06:06pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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Just because it nearly made me spray coffee all over my monitor.
The e-mail was titled... Is Chris Athens big enough?
I open it.
There was more but these were the bits that almost resulted in me needing a new monitor.
Does Chris Athens have what it takes to get the job done?
Is he BIG enough in that special region?
Do the ladies remember it when HE LAYS the pipe?
Does he RISE to the situation?
Well, I'd like to think so. Okay, I'm off to work.
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| The Fish |
[30 May 2008|09:47am] |
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mood |
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awake |
] |
Hey Kevin!
This was originally a comment in moonandserpent's journal but I realized that it was getting really long.
First off, sorry bout' your fish... and other stuff. But, without further ado.
Pish-posh. The betas are pretty but they live short tragic lives. Think of them as rock star fish. Fun for a bit but they really aren't built to last long. They can take a ton of crap for a very short while. You know they come from mud puddles? Aegis with 2 willpower.
If you want a lifer, go for a Koi (goldfish). They're messy as hell (you would need a filter or regular cleaning) but they live years. And if you wanna dish out a little extra, they have shiny varieties. Pair it with a plecho (which also do the cleaning) and you can have 10+ years of fish on your hands. I have an extra filter so you really only need the tank and some gravel. $20 bucks, tops.
Trust me.
The Cat knows Fish.
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